She's Four!

I can't believe our baby girl is four. What a year!!  I woke up this morning and looked at our sweet girl sleeping next to us and thought of just how blessed our family is on this special birthday.  Gracie is the love of our lives, and we have learned to appreciate and relish in every moment.

This year Gracie learned how to read simple words, became more confident and comfortable talking to new people, and figured out how to pee and poop in the potty...finally!  To celebrate her fourth birthday she asked for a Mexican-themed party, so we hired a taco truck to come serve dinner, had the kids break open a pinata, and all wore sombreros.  It was a blast.  

We can hardly believe Gracie is four years old. What a whirl-wind, heartbreaking, triumphant year for the Fast family!

Hawaii Trip!

Our Little Fighter

Caring Bridge Journal Entry Seventeen

Sunday, January 8, 2012 10:35 PM, PST

We're home!

19 days after her first surgery and 10 days since being admitted into the pediatric intensive care unit at Doernbecher for a life threatening infection . . . the Fast family is home.

Even though this is probably the 43rd time sitting on the couch watching Tangled together, it feels like it is the first.

Those of you that know us well know that Grace was a miracle baby to begin with. After struggling with my own health issues since I was a teenager, having children was not a guarantee. We waited a long time for this girl, and as I sit here cuddling up to her I am reminded of just how lucky we are.

Since the vulnerability door has already been opened, I have to admit that these past few years have been a struggle for us- well me especially- because being the perfectionist I am I thought all would not be well until we had the whole 2 1/2 kids, a dog, and a white picket fence scenario. I had preconceived notions of what a "family" consisted of, and in all honesty I lived every moment in the future. It's no joke, that saying: "Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans.".

I promise from here on out to not take my miracle for granted-- to try to live every moment in the NOW. And I know that my one child has enough love, life, and intensity in her to captivate my heart forever.

What's more, I realize that family is so much more than the box I was putting it in. My mom pointed out that there have been over 2,000 visits to this site.

That is over 2,000 people loving us, praying for us, crying with us, and celebrating with us. Now what other girl is lucky enough to have a "family" that big?

It's amazing how clearly you see things after you have been slapped across the face with them. To those of you who have been visiting us here and supporting us through this time: We love you. It is all of you- our big family- that make this life worth living.

Love,
Gracie, Amy, and Greg.

Caring Bridge Journal Entry Sixteen

Saturday, January 7, 2012 8:40 PM, CST

Can't get enough

I'm going to keep this short because Gracie came out of withdrawals today and we have some serious cuddling and playing to do... But I just wanted to say that we got our Gracie back!!! Should be heading home tomorrow!

Caring Bridge Journal Entry Fifteen

Friday, January 6, 2012 11:46 PM, CST

Withdrawal

There was a lot of improvement in Grace today. She's going through narcotic withdrawals right now and has the shakes and can't keep anything in her tummy, but that seems to be getting better every hour. I am trying to remind myself to be patient. I can't wait for her to talk to me, to hear her laugh, and to see some life behind those vacant eyes. Every time I tiptoe close to another panic attack, though, my mom reminds me that if I had been on a five day opiate binge I'd have a doozy of a hang over too.

The chaplain came in to talk with me today and recommended that Greg and I "find someone to talk to" after this whole ordeal is over. My friend, Ashleigh, has already said the same thing, and I know I will never hear the end of it from her until I do, so maybe it's worth looking into. :)

Greg and I have never been great at accepting help, but I think we either get it, or quarantine Gracie in her bedroom for the next 15 years. Something tells me she would have us chose the former.

Looks like we will be here until Sunday, or Monday, or maybe we will just move in. I am becoming dependent on the nurses call button. I think I'll get me one of them.

The doctor went home for the weekend, (He has a life?) and he said if I wanted to keep her here until Monday when he got back he would understand-- not because she couldn't recover just as well at home, but because I am psychologically attached to this place and he's trying to ease me off my dependence on their medical genius just as they are weening my three year old off of narcotics.

Gracie needs to see her friends, though. And I could use some sleep. It's time we come home . . . See ya Sunday.

(Thank you EVERYONE for the visits, emails, calls, cards, etc. We truly have the best friends, family, and coworkers in the world. I won't stop posting - We've got a ways yet to go, but I have a thank you letter to write to some surgeons first.)

Caring Bridge Journal Entry Fourteen

Thursday, January 5, 2012 7:45 PM, PST

Panic outside the PICU

So, leaving intensive care is supposed to be a good thing. But, as I found out today, although Gracie was ready to leave for a normal hospital room, mom wasn't.

Greg and his mom had to leave for McMinnville as Greg threw out his back last night and he needed to get some help for it before coming back tomorrow. Meanwhile, I prepared our stuff to be moved out of the PICU while I waited for my mom to arrive from Seattle.

As we took to elevator up to the ninth floor I felt the relief of being able to exhale. We were away from the continuous beeping and running and suctioning and crying of the PICU.

The nurse got us situated in our room and then quietly shut the door behind her. I looked down at Gracie and looked around the room. Where were the hovering doctors? Where were the sophisticated machines? Were the nurses not going to stay in the room and watch over her bed as she slept?

I noticed Gracie looked a little pale. She was asleep. Had she been sleeping too long? I nudged her. She didn't flinch. I wiggled her and said her name. She stayed asleep. She could barely be sedated and now she wouldn't wake up? I quickly grabbed my phone and called Greg. "Something is wrong," I told him. "Grace is too lethargic.". Greg started asking questions I couldn't process. I began to feel a little dizzy. I grabbed onto the edge of Gracie's bed and stumbled for the nurse's call button. I started yelling at Gracie to wake up and began trying to pry her eyelids open, pleading for her to look at me.

Right then the nurses came in and grabbed me asking me what was wrong. I couldn't speak because I was sobbing too hard.

A few seconds later, Diana, our angel nurse from the PICU, burst through the door and scooped me up, cradling me in her arms. "She's ok Amy. She's Ok. "She's sleeping. She's so tired. She's been through a lot."

Greg had called the PICU when I had gotten off the phone in such a worried rush and insisted that someone go look at our daughter. With one arm around me Diana used her other hand to stroke Gracie's hair. "Hi baby girl," she whispered. "It's Diana.". Gracie looked up at her, yawned, and then fell back asleep.

For a few more minutes, Diana stood there with me in her arms letting me sob into her scrubs. "She's not going to die, Amy. It was really close there for awhile, but she's not going to die. She's going to be ok. She's just been through a lot, and you are going to have to wait a while longer to have the Gracie you know back."

When my panic subsided she left me with the ninth floor nurses and shortly thereafter my mom arrived. I hopped in the shower to calm my nerves and when I came out of the bathroom Gracie sat up in bed, for the first time in a week, and reached her arms out for her mommy.

Let the healing begin

Caring Bridge Journal Entry Thirteen

Thursday, January 5, 2012 9:51 AM, CST

Lookin good

It's amazing the optimism that some sleep will bring. Feeling much lighter and brighter this morning and Grace is looking great. Her eyes aren't sunken in any more, and she is going to the bathroom on her own. The next step is to get the feeding tube out. She is so week from being under for five days that she shakes when she tries to move her limbs.

Grandma Darlene stayed up with her ALL night so Greg and I could get some much needed sleep. My dad finally left last night to relieve my mom so she could come up this morning. Looks like we may even get to move to a normal room today! Life is good. Very, very good.

Caring Bridge Journal Entry Twelve

Wednesday, January 4, 2012 11:20 PM, PST

Awake

Gracie "woke up" today and there were some really happy and hard moments. As I write this I am alone in the hall- the first time I haven't had somebody right by me since this all began... And in the silence the gravity of the situation has finally hit me. My baby is waking up and I am so, so grateful, but right now she is in a lot of pain, and that is so hard to see. I want to take it all away for her. I want to wrap her in bubble wrap, take her home, and play princesses and bake cookies, and build forts until infinity.

I know this wave of hurt will pass for all of us, but right now I want to sit out in the hall and cry for my hurting daughter. The adrenaline has passed, we have been to hell and back and I realize I am left with a lot to process, a lot of hurt to still heal, and a reality to get back to.

In the meantime, we will continue to remind ourselves how blessed we are and how thankful we are for everyone in our lives, especially Gracie.

Everyone has been beyond amazing. We are blessed. And I know, even sitting here in the hall that I am far from alone. You all have commented on how strong Greg and Gracie and I have been, but this one took a village. And as the adrenaline wears off I find myself being fueled by your words, thoughts, and prayers.

Time to get back in there. Thank you for letting these two "strong parents" be so vulnerable. It's time to admit that we need you all very much

Caring Bridge Journal Entry Eleven

Wednesday, January 4, 2012 4:34 PM, PST

Happy girls.

Gracie has been off the ventilator now for about three hours. There is so much to smile about!